


nulla dies umquam (no day shall erase you)

by aihodineverlark, Flame6696



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 19:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18976690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aihodineverlark/pseuds/aihodineverlark, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flame6696/pseuds/Flame6696
Summary: "Given the chance, would you go back?" Simon asks.It's a thought that, in the whirlwind of finding her mother, the Mortal Cup, taking down Valentine, bringing Jace back to life then nearly losing him to Lilith, and being tied to Jonathan, Clary has never considered.She's never had time to. Never wanted to.Would she go back?"I wouldn't trade the Shadow World for anything," she answers.But she does."When Clary Fray uses her rune abilities to save the Shadow World, she gives the ultimate sacrifice: her memories, and her family. Lost and alone in New York City, she must learn to make a new life for herself amidst the loss she faces in light of the angel's decision. But, just because she doesn't have her memories, doesn't mean she isn't still of angel blood.And you can take the girl out of the Shadow World, but you can't take the Shadow World out of the girl.





	nulla dies umquam (no day shall erase you)

"Given the chance, would you go back?" Simon asks.

"To school?" Clary asks.

Simon gives a noncommittal tilt of his head.

It's a thought that, in the whirlwind of finding her mother, the Mortal Cup, taking down Valentine, bringing Jace back to life then nearly losing him to Lilith, and being tied to Jonathan, Clary has never considered.

She's never had time to. Never wanted to.

She blinks. Memories of meeting Jace, their first kiss, ice skating, that first date they went on with Maia and Simon, swirl in her mind. Of Alec's thinly veiled taunts and jabs, his head shake when she suggests something crazy; then the rare laugh when he laughs at something she says. Of Magnus calling her “biscuit” and admiring her art. Of training with Izzy, letting her choose a new outfit for Clary to try, and grinning over the sparks of a demon being sent to Hell—or, Edom, or wherever they hail from. She thinks of sitting across from Luke in the Chinese restaurant, and teasing Simon with Maia at Hunter’s Moon. She thinks of the satisfying sizzle when she activates her speed rune; she thinks of the breaths she holds when she creates a new rune purely from instinct alone.

She thinks of the feeling she gets when she's surrounded by her family—celebrating like they have only a handful of times in the last months—and it's like the final piece of the puzzle slides into place.

Would she go back?

"I wouldn't trade the Shadow World for anything," she answers.

But she does.

She does trade the Shadow World, when she's back at the Institute and her mom appears, bathed in golden light. She looks and talks like her, but it isn't her mother; it's the angel Raziel with a message: She has defied the Angels' will in raising Valentine from the dead, in tethering Downworlders to those with angelic blood. And as punishment, she is to never use her gift again, or threaten the loss of such a gift.

Clary tries to listen, she really does, but when it comes down to saving the world she's learned that the descent into hell is all too easy (she's been to hell and back), and that her duty is to protect those she loves from harm.

From her brother.

She goes alone, and lures Jonathan into a hug.

Then she draws the rune, and presses her throbbing palm into his back—knowing the consequences to come.

Light flares from their point of contact, and Clary shuts her eyes while Jonathan says,

"Clary, you're hurting me."

"I know," she says back, choking on a sob, "It's okay."

 _It's okay_ , she tells him until she's breathing in feathers, until all that's left of her brother is his lifeless body and a pile of black feathers on the pavement.

She wishes the light could have beat the dark in him.

She wishes his wings were white, like hers. She wishes she hadn't failed him, her boy in the tower, her brother.

Her last living blood relative.

(But if there's anything Clary has learned about family, it's that blood isn't the only thing that binds you.

Love does, too. And love is worth this.)

And as Clary looks up to the sky, she hopes the angels understand.

(They do, but a warning is a warning.)

Clary feels the tears in her eyes when her angelic power rune fades away.

* * *

Magnus and Alec's wedding is beautiful. It's poignant, touching, with just the right hint of rebellious zeal.

Making the Clave celebrate the union of a Shadowhunter and a warlock?

It's only the first of many changes Clary expects to see.

The words Jace says to her on the dance floor, later, are beautiful, too.

And when she tells him that every cell of her body loves him as they are created, and will always love him after they die, she hopes it's true.

But a few minutes after they leave the dance floor, Clary finds it hard to remember what they said.

* * *

 

(She hopes the angels are capable of forgiveness.)

* * *

 

When the third rune fades from her skin, Clary feels tired.

She looks down at her right forearm, and notices the absence of her stamina rune.

Her breath catches in her throat.

"Hey, kiddo, you okay?" Clary startles at the touch of Luke's hand on her back. She turns, and smiles.

"Yeah, of course," She leans over to hug him, the word dad on her tongue—it doesn't feel as weird to call Luke that like she'd thought—"I thought you weren't going to make it." When they pull away, Clary covers the empty spot with her hand.

"My schedule changed." Luke grins. "And I'm glad, too. Because now I get to dance with both my girls."

 _My girls_. It's a sentiment that he used to use with Clary and her mother, back when her mother was alive. But now, Clary knows it's meant to mean her and Maryse.

She looks over Luke's shoulder and catches Maryse's gaze. They exchange smiles.

"You seem happy," she says.

She doesn't want to ruin it.

(It's what she's been telling herself, when each rune fades. When one moment bleeds into another, and she steps into a room and can't remember who she was going to talk to. _Don't ruin the happiness_.)

"I am," Luke says. He turns to look at Maryse, then back at Clary. "And now we get to be together. All of us. You and Jace, Simon and Izzy, Magnus and Alec, me and Maryse..."

"Like a family," Clary supplies, and Luke nods.

"Exactly."

Clary lets him lead her onto the dance floor, and tries to enjoy the fluid moments dancing in Luke's arms. Tries not to think about it being her last time in his embrace.  
When the song slows to a bridge, she stops and leans her head against Luke's chest.

"I love you, kiddo," he says against her hair.

It's then that Clary breaks. Because she can handle losing Jace, even if the thought makes her feel like she can't breathe, and Izzy and Alec and Magnus and the Shadow World…

But not Luke. Not the closest thing to a father she's ever known.

Not her dad.

She pulls back, and looks him in the eyes with tears threatening to fall.

"Luke..." she begins.

But as she looks at him, the rune on his neck begins to fade.

 _It's happening again,_ she realizes. She looks down at her arm.

The eye-shaped Clairvoyance rune appears nearly translucent, faded to a white mark on her skin. But unlike the others, it doesn't fade completely. Like it's fighting to stay.

"What's wrong?" Luke asks, and takes her arm to inspect. "Clary..." he says when he sees it.

She pulls out of his grasp and pulls him with her off the dance floor, out of the room where the reception is being held, and into a hallway.

"It's my punishment," she explains in a hushed whisper, "for using my gift. Making runes. Bringing back the dead. Tying Shadowhunters to Downworlders. I don't know what's happening, Luke, but—the angels—" She's crying now, she knows, and when the tears finally fall Luke pulls her into his arms. Then he leads her through the Institute until they're in her room, and sits next to her on the bed.

"They're deruning you," he says.

"I think... I think it's more than that," Clary tells him. "I can't see your runes. I can't remember what Jace said to me earlier on the dance floor, or even what I said to Magnus and Alec after the ceremony. It's like my memories, like my runes... are fading away."

"They're erasing your life as a shadowhunter and turning you back into a mundane," Luke says, putting the pieces together. Then he sighs, long and hard. Frustrated, at a loss. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I've never seen anything like this."

"They warned me," Clary rushes on to explain further, like she's running out of time. And maybe she is. "They warned me not to use my gift again, or it would be taken away. I just didn't know it was going to be this. The runes are one thing, Luke, but my memories? Everything is becoming hazy."

As Clary says this, she feels it again. Her shoulder stings from the loss of the rune. When she looks down, she sees another empty spot of pale skin where her speed rune used to be.

Her breath catches in her throat again and she looks up at Luke, trembling.

What will happen when the last rune fades? She doesn't want to find out, but knows she will. And she'll have to face whatever the future holds... without her family.

Alone.

A sob breaks from Clary's mouth.

"Hey, look at me," Luke says, drawing her close again. "Clary? Look at me." He tilts her chin up with his hand, and pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"You're so strong, kiddo," he tells her. "Whatever happens, you'll find a way through. Even if you don't remember us, we'll always remember you. That will never change. You, Clary Fray, are an exceptional person. Being a mundane again isn't going to change that."

Clary nods, tries to drive the words into her heart where Raziel cannot touch them—but it's too late, she knows. And Luke must know it too—his words, his faith in her, are temporary. Clary closes her eyes and wishes she could remember all the times he's helped her in the past. But they're fading, too.

And that's what terrifies her.

Luke's words have always had a way of relaxing her, even in the most dire situations. He's the closest thing to family she has left. Her mother is dead, her father is dead, as is her brother. Soon, Clary will have lost that last member of her family. And Clary can't fathom a life with Luke not in it.

"I don't want to lose you too," she says, tears in her voice.

"I know." Luke hugs her again, tight and firm and almost suffocating. Clary doesn't care. "I know. I wish I knew how to help."

They are silent for a long moment, before Clary pulls back, wiping her tears.

"What do I do, Luke?" she asks. "I can't stay here."

"I know," Luke says. Then he pauses to think. "It's best if you leave the Institute before all your memories fade. That way, you'll be less confused—though not by much. I wouldn't take anything from the Shadow World with you, either. No matter how you might want to. The angels aren't to be tempted. If you try to interfere, they could punish you further."

"Okay." Clary wipes the back of her hand against her cheek. "And then?"

"Well, then your memories will be gone and... I can't help you." Luke sighs again. "Trust your instincts."

"Okay," Clary says again. She takes a deep breath and then looks around the room as if for the last time. She ignores the way the wall begins to fade behind her dresser, and instead her gaze catches on a picture of her and Jace, framed on her nightstand. It's a selfie they look before their first date, the one that became a double date with Simon and Maia.

"Have you told anyone else?" Luke asks.

Clary thinks he already knows the answer when she says it: "No.”

"How do you want to tell them?"

"I don't know if I want to," Clary replies. "I know that sounds selfish, but did you see how happy they were? That wedding was beautiful, and Simon looks so happy with Izzy. I know this will hurt Jace, but I don't want them to worry. I'm not selfish, am I?"

"Not at all, kiddo. You do what you think is best for you. If you don't want to tell them, then I'll support that," Luke says. "But if you want me to tell them, or to leave something for them, I could do that for you."

There's so much that Clary wants to say. To Jace, to Izzy, to Simon. To Magnus and Alec. So many thanks she wants to give.

And so little time to do it.

"A letter," she says. "I want to leave a letter. You'll make sure they get it?"

"Of course," Luke says.

* * *

 

_To my family inside the New York Institute—_

_By the time you read this, my memories and my runes will be gone. It's my punishment, for using my gift to defeat Jonathan. But if I had the chance to do it again, I would. It's worth it for you all to be safe from the evils of my brother._

_I just hope you'll remember me not for what I did, but for my place in your hearts. I know you all will be in mine. Forever._

_To Jace—_

_I love you. You don't know how much it hurts me to leave you. I'm sorry for doing so. So, so sorry. But I know that if I allowed myself one more second in your arms, I would never be able to leave. And leave I must. I think that the angels mean for me to learn something from this; I have to believe that one day, I'll be able to return to you. Because I believe in us. I always will. But, Jace, you don't have to wait for me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. You will always be in my heart. I will love you forever, even if my mind does not know who you are. I learned so much from you. You taught me about the Shadow World, and about my place in it. I can never thank you enough for that. I can never thank you enough for staying by my side while I turned my back on you, and for loving me despite all that I've done._

_Please don't forget me. I love you. For all the times I won't get to say it: I love you, I love you, I love you._

_To Simon—_

_I don't know what I'll do without you. My best friend, my confidant, the person I know will never fail me in movie references and a comforting word. You have always believed in me, and I will always love you for that. You, Simon Lewis, can do anything. I hope you know that, and I hope that one day you allow yourself to reach your full potential. I am only half as strong as I am without you by my side._

_Please don't make the mistakes I did in love. Always be honest with Izzy, Simon. Don't give up._

_You're Simon freaking Lewis, though, and I don't doubt you. I never did._

_ <3 _

_To Izzy—_

_I wish we could have become parabatai. It was the next step in my fully accepting who I am, who I was: a shadowhunter. But I know that you will fight just as hard without me. You're so strong, Izzy. I've always admired you. You were the coolest sister I could have. I mean, come on, you taught me that a girl can kick ass in heels and hoop earrings, without getting a bit of ichor on you! I wish I could do that._

_You deserve so much credit for what you did in Edom. I don't think I would have been able to survive the heavenly fire. But you, Izzy, have always burned so bright. You're so brave, challenging anyone that gets in your way. I know you'll continue to do so even in my absence. And I know that Simon will support you every step of the way, and he'll love you the way you deserve._

_I hope that whoever chooses to be your parabatai, if anyone, learns that you're amazing like I have. You deserve only the best._

_To Alec—_

_I wish we could have been closer. I always looked up to you, you know. I always thought that maybe, when we'd known each other and fought together long enough, we could be like siblings, if not friends._

_I know I never made anything easy for you, but know I was trying my best. For my mom. For Jace. For everyone. I hope you don't hold that against me. I don't hold what happened with my mom against you. I never will. I've forgiven you. I promise. Because I've learned that some things are out of your control. Please don't feel guilty._

_And, Alec, I hope you're happy. You deserve it._

_I only wish my brother could have been half the man you are._

_I know you'll lead the Shadow World into a new light, to new heights, to changes that are together only for good. (Having a wedding at the Institute is so inspiring, challenging everyone who ever said anything with grace and bravery. You're so brave, Alec. I've always wanted to be as strong, as wise, as fearless as you. You're such a good leader.)_

_Please take care of Jace for me. Remind him that he still has so much to live for, without me. (I know what happened last time. Please, Alec, protect him in any way you can.) And protect the others, if you can. Because I won't be there to do so._

_Goodbye, grumpypants (yeah, that's my nickname for you, deal with it). I hope you smile reading this._

_To Magnus—_

_If there's anything you've taught me, it's that there's no time like the present for a flair of the dramatic. And happy hour is all the time, if you're with the right people. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you most, and thank you for trying, at the beginning of this journey, to give me what I had lost; what my mother had asked you protect me from._

_I know now that I had to find my way without those memories on strength alone. And I will do the same now._

_Think of me whenever you see a nice piece of art. We both know that beauty can be found in the most unexpected of places._

_To Luke—_

_I'm going to miss you, Dad. (I can't believe how long it took me to get up the nerve to call you that.) If there's anything I've learned from all of this, it's that you don't need blood to have family. You taught me that, treating me like your own from day one. I'll never forget that. It is because of you that I have grown into the woman I am today._

_Thank you. I love you._

_To all of you, I love you._

_To all of you, goodbye._

_Ave atque vale... Hail and farewell._

* * *

 

When the last rune—her _iratze_ —fades away, Clary is standing crying outside of the Institute. Or a church, as it appears to her. She doesn't know how she got there, and she doesn't know what to do. She feels like a hole has been ripped from her chest, but she doesn't know why.

There are names in her phone that she doesn't remember putting there, and pictures, too. Selfies. Texts.

She decides to ignore them. For now.

It’s too much.

Scared, confused, and lost, she dials 9-1-1 and waits for help to arrive.

When it does, they can do nothing for the hole in her chest where she once believed her heart was.

**Author's Note:**

> A fix-it of sorts for 3x22. We thought that it was crazy for Luke to not be involved in Clary's final moments as a Shadowhunter, as her dad and the only family she has left outside of Jocelyn. With Simon supposed dead, and everyone else erased? Come on, Todd! So, while that scene was heartbreaking to write (but not as heartbreaking as The Letter), it was needed. Hope you enjoy the pain as we do.
> 
> Should we slowly but surely finish this fic, our plans are for around 10 parts... and we have quite the plot brewing! The first part might seem slow and a little redundant in places, but I promise things take an original twist next part, now that all the groundwork is placed.
> 
> Title taken from the Latin phrase, "nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo," which means, "No day shall erase you from the memory of time.” I'm not sure I cut it in the right place for the use of the title, so if anyone knows for sure where to split it, let us know!
> 
> Feedback on our fic would be appreciated! Until the next update.


End file.
